More entries below. It is not too late to submit your own!
13. EFSP (based on a real situation, alas)
Yes, I know that this paper is on a topic that isn't even closely related to the broad and sweeping topic of our conference. But it has some pretty pictures in it. And one of the authors is the nephew of the president of Obscure Foreign University and they are going to award me an honorary doctorate this coming summer. So this is a definite accept and darn the others who vote for definite reject on this! I'm the chair of this conference and the paper gets accepted because I say so!
I am afraid I cannot support the publication of this paper. The authors present an idea that I myself have had for some time and just haven’t gotten around to writing it up yet. I think that when I write my paper, it will be better than this one. These authors would be well advised to wait until my paper is published, and then they can cite it.
Presumably you are doing something smarter than what you describe, so you should explain that.
16. FF2 (Mad Libs review)
The authors describe how they (phrase from abstract). It is on the relevant and timely topic of (paper keyword). However, they should really address (title of paper section) and (title of a different section).